(Note from Thomas Lavalle: As previously noted here, “Lady Susan” is the mother of “Nancy” (of “Nancy and Dennis,” whose many postings can still be read on Mark Remond’s Wife Worship blog). “Countess Julie” is Susan’s sister. Both women are guiding lights of a thriving, multi-generational matriarchal clan.)
We have been counseling a small but vibrant group of younger, professional women who are interested in having more control over lesser-educated, stay-at-home husbands, or househusbands. One of the proven techniques of imposing women’s will concerns strict financial controls over males. Dennis tells me that having the wife in complete control of the couple’s money has a tremendous impact. Some men are initially frustrated with the consequent financial limitations, but all come to find the strictures imposed by women as being beneficial – they are freed from financial worries! Let’s consider some suggestions and observations from our FLR workshops with both women and men.
Women should strive to take financial controls or at least exercise significant influence early in a relationship. Women should position themselves to take as much financial advantage of men as possible. After all, men, through society’s patriarchy, have been unjustly accruing wealth and excluding women – it’s time to get some – all! – of that back, ladies. Women should be taking as much financial advantage of men as possible. An example?
When Dennis met Nancy in college at a feminist meeting, he was studying on a full fellowship, while Nancy had no such arrangement. She wanted an off-campus apartment instead of living in the dormitories and was able to manipulate Dennis into renting an apartment for her. She consulted a feminist attorney who structured an arrangement that committed Dennis but benefited Nancy. Dennis would lease the apartment for a period of a year and then sublease it to Nancy for $1 per month. Nancy had an irrevocable right to renew the lease for an additional year for $1 a month, if she so desired.
Dennis was also made responsible for utilities and upkeep. Originally he hired a maid service to provide upkeep but eventually came twice a week, at a time convenient to Nancy, to clean the apartment himself. Nancy was never there when Dennis cleaned, however; he was let in by a woman friend who provided instructions and inspected his work after he was done. At no time did Dennis “share” the apartment with Nancy, and she stresses that this was not a “sugar daddy” situation. He received nothing in return other than the satisfaction of “giving back” some of the wealth he had accrued due to patriarchy. And, of course, he was given the opportunity to demonstrate that he was a submissive male, a fact that definitely drove his relationship with Nancy.
Note: Nancy was successful because she worked with an attorney. Women are well advised to seek legal help in such situations and when formulating important documents such as prenuptial agreements.
The Internet and electronic banking make it easy for women to control men’s access to money. A comment was made on this blog that a husband’s company would only deposit his paycheck into a joint account – no problem! She can do two things: 1) keep the account number and password to herself, and 2) set up an automatic transfer of his paycheck into her account. Problem solved! Once the funds are in her account, she’s free to pay bills, manage investments, and spend on herself as she sees fit.
Don’t forget to look in on your husband’s benefits, savings plan, deductions, and so on. Benefits can usually be accessed electronically. Women need to be aware that a favorite trick men play is to withdraw money from a savings plan for frivolous use – question any withdrawals.
Know what’s in your man’s wallet – randomly check. Empty the wallet! Are there any receipts for purchases you didn’t approve? Any credit cards he shouldn’t have? Confiscate any money above what you approve he can have.
Does hubby have a company credit card? If so, get access to the statement and review the charges; they should all be business-related. Make sure they are! Men sometimes charge things on a company card to get around any wife-imposed spending restrictions.
We don’t recommend women involving their husbands with finances; ideally, they will be fully involved with housework and will not have the time to dedicate to money management. Besides, the majority of men look on women’s handling finances as beneficial. In our experience, most men don’t really want to do the money-management thing.
Men should have an allowance that provides them with some small amount for miscellaneous expenses. Men should be accountable for the money thus provided. As an example, if we find that Dennis has frivolously spent his allowance, that allowance is reduced and a fine, payable to Nancy or me, may be imposed.
If your man needs extra money, try having him “earn” it! Have him house-clean for your women friends, for example. Dennis does this and also works at a boutique and cleans rooms at a local hotel. He never sees any of this money, however; I do – by arrangement with those he’s working for, and I take 25% off the top – female privilege!
We also have Dennis set aside 2/3 of his allowance – 1/3 for charity donations, usually to women’s causes, and 1/3 for gift-giving for both Nancy and me, and also for small gifts to women of the family and for women friends. More on this later; but if Dennis needs money for gifts or charity, Nancy and I will consider his needs and usually grant him more money, but NEVER the full amount. It’s one more way of showing control.
Men should have access to a bank card ONLY on a need basis. He should ask permission to use the card, providing justification. The card should be returned immediately after use and receipts provided for the woman’s review of his expenses. We encourage women to question his spending both as a way of exerting control and to encourage his spending wisely. Dennis is chastised if we feel he has overspent.
For large purchases, women should accompany men or eliminate them from the buying process completely. Dennis is involved in buying a dishwasher, washing machine, or iron, since he is their primary user. Usually he is allowed to get what he wants, but we will question him on his choices. We also let the salesperson know that Dennis is the user of all household appliances and that their sales pitch should be directed to him. For larger purchases like buying a car or a home remodel, Dennis has no say whatsoever.
These are just a few things to consider. It’s been a long time since women were able to secure financial control simply by having their man hand over their checks on payday, but financial controls are definitely possible and, in most cases, men are surprisingly receptive.
We have other financial considerations but will save them for a future post.
—Lady Susan & Countess Julie